I've read two books in the past three days. Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaasen and The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. They were both really good, but on different levels. Carl Hiaasen's was a hilarious story about a woman who survives when her husband throws her overboard the cruise ship they were on. All the characters are quirky but still believable. Joan Didion's account of the year her husband died and her daughter came close to dying twice was beautiful. It was a bunch of thoughts outlining the months of that year. She's an awesome writer and on top of that the book was raw in a way that touched me as I read it. The way she describes not believing John was dead even though she witnessed his heart attack, saw the EMTs shocking him and giving him CPR and saw his limp body when he was pronounced dead at the hospital.

I have to start working on my essays. College Essays. I can't write them. Why not? Am I secretly afraid of college? Do I not want the colleges I'm writing them for to reaize that I am an insignificant person who cant write all that well?

I sit here drinking my strawberry, banana and yogurt smoothie trying to figure out why my inbox refuses to delete this email from the ex. I went through my entire mailbox and deleted everrrything but this email REFUSES to be deleted. No matter how many times i do it, it WONT GO. I think someone in IT has it out for me. Someone wants me to remember him. God damn it.

Mom got a new blender - it super pulverizes food and is supposed to be really good for you. Needless to say I've had three smoothies today and we made thai peanut sauce for our pasta for dinner with the machine. It gets rid of the seeds in strawberries. Evidently breaks it down to the molecular level. I woke up at 1:30 today. I was so tired.

I've given up on the boy, at least for now. He got a call from an Ivy the other day that he thinks is better than Brown, his favorite school. He is all worried about which ivy to apply ED to. Jeez. It annoys me because he has no idea what he wants - just what he should do. Mia tried to explain it to me, she used the example of his friends, she said that he's a wonderful good kid but he feels that just because his friends areassholes he should be too. You only get to see the sweet part of him every once in a while. It's not that Idon't like the goofy, loud side of him it's just that it's different. He tries to figure out exactly what he should do, before thinking about what he wants. I said, "which school would you like to go to?" and he said, "well I've got the legacy at UPenn, I love Brown but Yale is a better school and if I went to Yale i could get into Wharton business school and then make a lot of money." after telling that to Mia she said that's what our school does to kids... its a college preparatory school not a life preparatory school. no one thinks about their life and how they should do what makes them happy. instead they think about what would make the most money or give them the best job. It almost makes me feel dumb, with my little liberal arts, no grades schools in the city. sigh ... I've been working on my essays though.

I bought the CD Time Flies by Eclectic Collective after my cousin Rosie told me about them. We used to go camping with DJ Special Blend - or Geoff. I was about 10 I think, he was best friends with my cousin's older brother (also my cousin come to think of it.) and went fishing with my dad. He's now this wicked hot DJ who does the turntables for this really good band and has massive dreads.

Mia's sleeping over tonight. I feel some major girl talk coming on. I bought her Indian tobacco on the rez, as well as a necklace and a shirt with the "how are you feeling today" logo on it. We stayed with my dad's best friend in Cincinnati who started that and had all these teeshirts. I told him about Amelia's add on to it that said "bloated and pimply" he loved it.

I have a crush on John Forte (there's a little accent on the e) He's gorgeous and a rapper. I've gotten really into buying CDs lately. I love old rap .. like when funk and rap were mixed almost - edan and ugly duckling, black sheep and such. as I was buying DJ Format presents a right earful mix tape i found him and his hot picture was on the front - obviously an incentive to buy ;). He's in jail now, for transporting drugs that he allegedly thought was money. He was part of the Fugees and went to Exeter Academy - Carly Simon is his surrogate mother. He doesnt get out of jail till he's 38 - there's a lot of stuff saying he should get out sooner because he didn't take the plea bargain and there was a mandatory sentence w/o the plea bargain of 14 years.

www.freejohnforte.com

Why won't he call me?

how many times do you think that sentence has been used over the last century - and before that, "why won't he Send me a letter?" or i dunno. something like that. And why, when I finally find someone who can make me happy and is doing a lot of things right, but isn't necessarily ready to be in a relationship. Then, as soon as I find him someone else comes along, decides he can't live without me and when I turn him down because:

a. I don't like him like that, and I may have earlier but now I don't.
b. My best friend loves him.

as if those two reasons aren't enough ... there's more that I won't get into.

I hate boys. and why won't Mike call me? What did I do in my past life?

Well, I did good today. I sent a facebook message to the ex being quite nice - cheeky but nice - He wanted to know about the reservation and I was rude the other day but I held my own and was perfectly acceptably nice.

Things I'm Thankful For:

Food Network
The Computer
Mos Def
Chocolate
France
Toyota Camrys
cameras
forever 21
Hoku
ticonderoga pencils
indian headwraps
311
The Game
G. Love and Special Sauce
Jon Stewart
Daddy Yankee
Grey's Anatomy
Sex and the City
J. Crew
Birkenstocks
CONCEPTUAl physics
Carl Hiassen
Amelia
Boys
macs
postits
Prince
T.I.
Jay-Z
Immortal technique
Jack Johnson
Donovan Frankenreiter
John Mayer
Flip-flops
Down comforters
G.Q.
Jane
Vogue
elle (magazine)
Bazaar
National Geographic
Zadie Smith
James Nachtwey
Sisters
running

We just got back last night from South Dakota. It was truly amazing. We worked for a few days but mostly toured the reservation, bought crafts and ate indian tacos. Indian tacos are about my new favorite food. It's Fry bread and then tacos on top. Fry bread is .... exactly what it sounds like. a very low calorie food. We placed bunk beds into a couple houses which were really poor and really eye opening. We had a few people who explained native american culture to us and those were great too. The rides out and back were long and rather obnoxious and the country is a lot bigger than it looks. We stopped in Cleveland, Cincinnati (to visit dad's friend Joe) Worthington Minnesota and then Covington South dakota on the way back and South Bend Indiana. We stayed at horrible hotelss most of the time, but that's okay - it gives you a lot of good stories.